I am of the converted. I’d happily participate in an organized movement to convert. In fact, I would be honored if asked to lead the charge! We are of the co-sleeping. We are of the bed, family.

Certainly, I am aware of the controversy surrounding sleeping with one’s children. Would I ever try to make anyone feel bad for not sleeping with his or her children? Never. It is a matter of very personal choice and preference. I appreciate and respect this fact when it comes to the family bed or any other parenting choice.

What I will do is positively, heartily and enthusiastically encourage and advocate anyone who is on the fence or more specifically, drawn to the idea of co-sleeping but is plagued with doubts and also likely, lack of support.

While we are satisfied co-sleepers and we love our family bed, this was not always the case. It was a decision and an arrangement that did not come easily or without conflict.

In my own approach to parenthood, to say I was not a proponent of a Family Bed would have been something of an understatement. In fact, being fiercely protective of my personal space and not naturally affectionate (much to husband’s constant chagrin) the thought of having our baby in bed with us was quite unappealing. The concept of Family Bed flew in the face of all I believed with regards to infant and child autonomy, not to mention my own, as an independent woman with a life, who needed a decent night’s sleep, for Pete’s sake!

When I was pregnant with my first child, in 1998, I happened to see an episode of 20/20 and a segment on co-sleeping and The Family Bed. They spoke with enthusiastic proponents, Dr. Sears and family, as well as other doctors who spoke of some of the hazards. Given the issues of safety and my bent towards everyone’s self-sufficiency, I was appalled at the family Sears and the other co-sleepers. Bed sharing with anyone other than my husband was not for me- not for us! My child was going to be independent and sleep peacefully in his own crib. Despite the healthy, well adjusted examples of children in the piece, I still equated a family sleeping together with mewling, needy and clingy children prone to complete break down when removed from the constant presence of mewling, needy and clingy parents!

Fast forward a few months to the arrival of our little bundle. In the hospital, we dozed together but he slept largely in the hospital bassinet. As yet, completely shell-shocked, I had no real feeling as to the sleeping arrangement upon arriving home, or anything else for that matter. I guess I was assuming everyone would be in their respective beds and despite being already sleep-deprived and by and large completely not myself as a new mother, I still had no reason to believe otherwise.

At home I had a lovely nursery arranged and in our room, the cradle my sister had slept in as a baby, two decades before, was made ready and waiting for it’s new inhabitant. But as the reality kicked in, back at home, with him instinctively tucked into my oh-so-valued individual space and bed before, during and following feedings, I thoroughly enjoyed having him beside me. He was so small and so fat and so damn warm. I could never have anticipated being so completely taken with him.

Despite this rapture, having him so close much of the time, I still indulged my idealized visions of baby rocking sleepily in the beautiful cradle and I made every effort in the beginning to make those visions reality. Much to my surprise, as a new mother having never anticipated this depth of love and emotion, the bottom line was, it was easier and oh-so-darn pleasant to have him with me. This was a grudging revelation, to be sure. I existed in conflict, torn between the joy of his sleeping beside me and the nagging feeling that I should be putting more effort into his sleeping independently. I made repeated attempts to move him gently to his cradle. To make things more difficult, he wasn’t very old when he began to catch on to the change in temperature and altitude, from arms to mattress, and he actually wouldn’t let me put him down. I say he wouldn’t let me, but truth be told, it was my rapidly withering commitment to having him sleep apart from me, that stymied these inadequate efforts.

Now, I dutifully read Baby Wise and other ‘healthy’ sleeping guides for babies and I knew full well that I could have forced the issue with him to get him into the habit of sleeping on his own. It became a commitment I was not willing to make. I finally resigned myself to keeping him in our bed. I say resigned because I still was not ready to claim ours to be a Family Bed. I still was not convinced in my head that it was right to sleep with my baby. But it absolutely felt right in my heart! I loved it and he was happier! Understand that before I finally came to terms with this decision, there were many nights spent rocking in the chair in my attempts to separate from him at night, only to give up and bring him to bed and on to a breast, with a great sense of rest and relief. These were such hard early months. It was probably about six months spent in internal conflict, attempting half-heartedly to get him to sleep in his cradle and then the crib. The crib was doubly hard, just because he looked so incredibly small inside it, the idea of him alone in that huge space was too much for me to bear! I was becoming surprisingly content to join the ranks of the mewling, the needy and the clingy!

It was at about this time that I started back working. Self employed as a photographer, I was booking up weekends, shooting weddings and portraits, and I could no longer afford nights spent back and forth between crib, rocking chair and bed. Here I surrendered, fully and completely. I gave up the picture of happy, sleeping baby in the lovely nursery and brought him to our bed for good. Relief. While he woke frequently in the night to breastfeed, we were far better rested and I was better able to handle my demanding professional responsibilities.

Despite my own fulfillment in this decision, not surprisingly, we had very little support from close relatives and friends. We were the only co-sleepers among all the parents we knew and I must admit, while privately I was comfortable in my decision to have Beasley Bean sleep with us, I was not entirely confident defending my choice to others. While it felt so much better to have him with me I certainly still spent a lot of time second guessing my decision.

This child remained in our bed another four years, and I so wished I had just shut off my head and enjoyed it during those many first months. My feelings about The Family Bed changed so fundamentally with my first baby that there was not even a question with the children to come.

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